Is
it just our society today, or have we always had a problem with
liking and accepting ourselves. From the megadollars spent on hiding
facial spots to the fear that we might not make the team, our attention
is focused on the need to have what we don't possess, and be what
we aren't. It seems that only if we could "have it all," that
we might feel significant and sense our own self-worth.
Have you ever noticed how few people around you are really content
and fulfilled. There seems to be a deep longing or craving inside
most people for something more.
Do you know someone who pretends to be like somebody else because
he doesn't like himself? Have you ever known a person who has used
drugs or alcohol to please friends? Do you know anyone who's intimately
involved with someone only because he is looking for love and affection?
Do you think there are students on your campus who work extra hard
to achieve success through sports, popularity or grades, hoping that
their success will make them feel better about themselves. Do you
recognise yourself in these questions?
A person who sees himself as worthy or significant will be able to
say :
- I am worthy because God and His Holy Sadhu love me and accept
me unconditionally. I don't have to perform for Them to gain Their
love and acceptance.
- Because I have significance I can feel good about myself even
when others don't approve.
- Because I have a healthy self-esteem, I don't need to have a
boy friend or girl friend to feel O.K.
- Significance gives me tremendous self worth so I feel good about
myself even when I fail...
Unfortunately, gaining a healthy sense of worth of our own is in
itself a difficult battle for most people. In addition to this, nearly
all of us have the wrong idea about where our self-worth comes from.
So from our earliest childhood we begin to do certain things and
try to please certain people all to make us feel good about ourselves.
False beliefs, taught to us by peers, television, music and so forth,
deceive us on all fronts. These false beliefs can be summarised as
follows:
- I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.
- I must be accepted by certain people.
- Those who fail are unworthy and deserve to be blamed and condemned.
- I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless. I am unworthy.
The Performance Trap
This results from the first belief:
I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.
Are you caught in this trap?
Here are some examples of how we set standards of performance in
order to feel good about ourselves.
- If I make the football team, I will feel good about myself.
- If I make good grades, I will feel good about myself.
- If I lose weight, I will feel good about myself.
- If I make a lot of money, I will feel good about myself.
- If I have a special friend, I will feel good about myself.
The problem with needing to meet certain standards in order to feel
good about ourselves is that no one can meet all the standards all
the time. So when we fail, we feel miserable and worthless. Failure
can be devastating even if we only fail occasionally. A person caught
in the Performance Trap is a prisoner of the fear of failure.
Symptons of Being Caught in The Performance Trap
Those who are caught in the Performance Trap are led into behaviour
that can be painful and even dangerous.
The following list contain nine types of behaviour that often takes
place when there is a fear of failure. Remember, it is possible that
some of these behaviours are symptoms of other problems. If you can
admit to yourself that you are experiencing one or more of these
symptoms, then you've already taken the first step to overcoming
the destructive fear of failure caused by the Performance Trap.
- Perfectionism: One of the most common symptoms is perfectionism.
A perfectionist cannot accept any kind of mistake or failure. Such
a person will almost always focus on what went wrong rather than
on all the things that went right.
- Avoidance of Risks: Risk avoiders are unwilling to be involved
in anything at which they might not succeed. They may bypass new
sporting activities, friendships and so on.
- Anger and Resentment: These symptoms usually occur when we feel
our performance is being criticized. We may assume that criticism
means that we have failed and that failure brings about a loss
of self esteem.
- Pride: When a person achieves success, he may also become puffed
up with pride. However, the good feelings we experience as a result
of pride seldom last long. They usually disappear at the first
sign of failure. Pride looks like self-confidence but is really
a mask that hides our fear of failure.
- Anxiety and Fear : We often experience these when we are forced
into a situation that we believe has a high risk of failure. The
greater the chance of failure, the greater our anxiety and fear.
- Depression : This is one of the most crippling symptoms. If we
fail more often than we think we should, we become convinced that
we are worthless. A person who is depressed usually behaves in
one of two ways. He may become passive, believing there is no hope
for change, or he or she may become intensely angry at having failed
so often.
- Dishonesty : This is an attempt to
hide failure. Most often we exaggerate the truth in order to
take credit for things that will make us appear more successful.
We also exaggerate to make circumstances or
others seem responsible for our mistakes in order to avoid blame.
- Low Motivation : Some people seem unwilling to become involved
in any kind of activity. We may tend to believe that we lack the
skills to succeed. Thus, rather than face the hurt of failure,
we simply refuse to try.
- Addiction : Many people turn to alcohol and drugs to help them
forget failure and its associated anguish. A chemical high does
provide a moment of pleasure, and it seems to remove the pressure
to perform. Sadly however, once the high has passed, the user can
fall into despair, becoming further convinced that he cannot cope
with real life.
If you experience any of these nine symptoms then you are probably
caught in the Performance Trap. Most likely your fear of failure
is preventing you from enjoying a healthy sense of self-worth.
The Solution
Firstly, if you become the most successful person in history, you
could not increase your worth before God and His Sadhu. And if you
fail miserably for the rest of your life you cannot decrease your
worth before them. In fact, when God and His Sadhu look at you, They
see a soul struggling to achieve spiritual perfection. Yes, they
also see ignorance, pride, material desire and disbelief, but this
wins over their compassion, unconditional love and help.
Examine your belief system closely. Who are you trying to please?
Whose pleasure are you trying to gain? Gunatitanand Swami guides
us, "You can please only God." Yes, this is a foundational
truth. You cannot gain the approval of everyone. There comes
a time when you are forced to draw a line. Logically, the next question
arises is : Where do I draw the line?
The Purpose of Life
Human birth has not come to us by chance or luck. It is gifted to
us by God to enable us to continue our spiritual journey. The destination
is God realisation and a place in God's divine abode, Akshardham.
Achieving this will grant us supreme joy (Vachanamritam Sarangpur
1). But this is not all. Even on the spiritual journey we are promised
peace and joy, but this is only possible if we obey the Lord's
commands. (Shikshapatri 8-9, Vach. Gadh. II/51 ).
Examine your life-style. You will see that all your activities are
focussed on making yourself happier than you are at present. This
may entail using a new shampoo, partying, studying hard, buying a
racy car, or delving deeper into the religion of your choice. Yes,
you want to be more comfortable, freer, healthier, in all ways happier.
But are your present goals and activities taking you to true happiness,
a tranquillity and joy that are everlasting, unbroken and far surpassing
whatever the human mind can imagine?
Maybe this is the time to refocus and centre your strengths on the
things that count in the long term.
Don't Forget
Whilst spiritual goals and activities are the most important, God
has also given us certain responsibilities: the home, family, society,
environment, and so on. These responsibilities are not to be ignored.
Indeed, if you do then you would be gravely doing wrong. To enable
you to fulfill your responsibilities activities such as job, studies
and social services have to be ably performed.
So what you really have to master is to be able to do your best
in whatever you do, and yet avoid the Performance Trap. As you
will have realised by now, this can only be done if you perform
for God and His Holy Sadhu. If They are the focus of your life's
goals, whether it be getting to a good college, playing for the
school band or becoming a top athlete, you will never feel worthless.
Once your focus is on God and His Holy Sadhu whatever activity
you do will be solely for the purpose of earning their pleasure,
and no matter if you fall short, they will look to your efforts
only. Never will they anger with you, for they fully understand
us humans and our weaknesses. "God
does not look to our faults. If a soul earnestly prays to God and
confesses, 'I am a sinner,' God forgives him."
Be Careful
You may now be wondering that if we are always forgiven why you shouldn't
do what you want, even if it is destructive and wrong. Here are
some good reasons.
First, going against God's and His Sadhu's commands pushes us backward
on the spiritual journey. Can we afford this?
Second, doing wrong always has consequences that bring awful pain
and heartache into our lives. Do we want to escape this?
Third, though we are not punished eternally, because God and His
Sadhu are loving He will discipline us in the present. Do you want
to experience this?
And finally, their intentions are crystal pure and totally devoid
of selfish gain. They sincerely care for our welfare and guide us
correctly and compassionately. Do you want to miss out?
As we have seen, almost all of us to a certain degree are caught
in the Performance Trap. We have a false belief that we must meet
certain standards in order to feel good about ourselves. However,
Lord Swaminarayan and today, Pramukh Swami Maharaj have made it possible
for us to escape this trap, by teaching us to refocus our goals and
thus our beliefs. We are assured that we are never displeasing to
them, inspite of failures and weaknesses. Understanding this tremendous
truth can help us finally to overcome the fear of failure and possess
a healthy self esteem and glow of worthiness.
